Erstellt am: 12. 8. 2014 - 15:52 Uhr

Robin and Riem

Robin Williams, a man she never met, accompanied her since she was 8 and this morning, gave her the courage to be open about depression.

Robin Williams was my first and biggest TV crush. I was eight when 'Mork and Mindy' came on TV and I was totally captivated by the alien Mork character. It wasn't because I thought he was a handsome prince, it was because Mork was honest and kind. His logic was simple and direct, he loved Mindy very much and he wore rainbow suspenders. There were all sorts of things that were cool about Mork (especially for little kids) but the reason I crushed on him was because I somehow instinctively felt like the man who could do silliness so well, did the same thing I did - played the clown to hide something not funny at all.

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A still from Mork and Mindy, Robin Williams' break-through 1978 TV role.

There are Super 8 videos of me playing the clown from the age of 3 or 4 and the grainy footage shows what I was trying to do. Cheer my mother up.

My birthmother's very deep depression set me up for a life-long pattern of what is called 'people-pleasing' behaviour. I do everything in my power to make the people around me - friends, family, colleagues, people I sit next to on airplanes - feel good, laugh, and also, like me. They must never suspect that I could have anything as dark as long-term deep depression.

I inherited from my birthmother a type of thyroid disease that carries with it all sorts of unpleasant symptoms but for me, the by far worst (including massive weight gain and hair loss and zero physical energy) is a sort of crippling neurologically-sparked (ha ha) depression. I describe it (I have never ever said this to anyone because I felt so ashamed of it) as The Loneliest Lonely.

Apathy, in the depressed person, isn't just 'meh'. It is a seemingly endless sea of black where a continuously looped question flashes relentlessly and silently like a neon sign: "WHY BOTHER?.... WHY BOTHER?...WHY BOTHER?". The sign flashes silently because of the shame. Nobody wants to hear about someone possibly not being enchanted with being alive.

It pisses me off when people say people who commit suicide as a result of depression are selfish. Do you know how much energy it takes to cover-up a condition that society doesn't want to know anything about because depression is just so fucking depressing? A lot. Like superhuman strength actually. The thing is, long-term depression is hard on not just the person afflicted but everyone in that person's life and even best friends and close family can seek distance because they just can't deal with it, they might not want to deal with it. So, you don't want to risk an even lonelier Loneliest Lonely and you pretend that everything is okay. Or, as in my case, with my people-pleaser personality, I not only pretend I'm okay, I do everything in my power to make sure YOU'RE okay, whether that is a good thing for me to do for myself or not.

I cried for about three and a half hours straight Sunday afternoon. Like, The Ugly Cry. I just couldn't stop. Nothing in particular set it off and I could not control it. Even as I wept, I went about doing my laundry and the at-home Sunday stuff that you do. I cognitively know about the weeping sessions I have been afflicted with for many years now. I know they come because my thyroid meds are not doing what they are supposed to do and after all these years, I also know that the adjustment in my meds will take time to get a balance in the brain chemicals I have that are out of whack and make me shudder with sadness. I know that I have to be patient with myself and I also know that that particular brand of patience will be tested throughout the course of my entire life.

Consider long-term and deep depression, put alcohol and/or drug abuse into the equation (I really get the concept of numbing that apathy and even momentarily attempting to turn off the WHY BOTHER? sign), add on the stigma depression has and the effort and energy it takes to bypass that stigma and not only pretend everything is okay but then go the even extra mile and entertain and love and envelope people into your creative quick-fire mind that delivers the most delightful stream-of-conscience stories but is often, at the very same time, silently flashing WHY BOTHER?

Obviously when I was eight and wanted Mork from Ork to be my boyfriend, I didn't properly know any of this stuff but there were cues I picked up on. As I got older and my stepmom let me stay up late to watch Johnny Carson's Tonight Show featuring the young up-and-coming comedian and actor Robin Williams, I was fascinated by his imagination and he inspired me to let mine fly.

As I got even older, I began to understand and define the melancholy, anger, and solitary essence Robin was able to access with such raw and honest beauty in his dramatic roles. Yeah, great acting but coupled with his seeming need to play the clown when he went out to promote those dramatic roles, and also because he courageously admitted it, I realised what drew me to him way more than the way a fan is drawn to a famous person. That seemingly endless sea of black and that neon sign.

Not sure if dead people can read but thank you Robin Williams for everything and especially for giving me the courage to write the above.