Erstellt am: 9. 12. 2012 - 07:51 Uhr

Indian jokes about authors and editors

My first (and last ever) essay in English. Please have mercy!

So, this is my first essay in English. My problem is that I don't want to use bad English intentionally like many comedians do. I would never say "se" instead of "the" to make my fans laugh. But my English isn't good enough to impress you, my dearest readers. Sorry! Unfortunately, I stopped improving my English when I found out how to write a so called "Befriedigend" or "Genügend" at school without working too hard. But believe me: I'll give my best!

I've always been lazy with learning vocabulary, but I love to keep useful phrases like "the question arises… " in mind. Now the question arises what I should write about. I don't want to write a whole essay about my bad English in English, so I have to find a topic. It has to be interesting on the one hand and not too special on the other hand because I don't want to look up every third word in my dictionary.

marc carnal

The reason why I wrote this essay instead of "Eggs, Butter, Beer": I accidently put his week's shopping in the washing machine.

I'll start with the last book I read in English. I bought it in Delhi. It's an Indian collection of jokes from an author named Dr. P.S. Sood. I have no idea what "P.S." stands for but I don't think that this fun loving Indian's name is Doctor Post Scriptum Sood. The Indian sense of humour seems to be a little bizarre. People there don't seem to appreciate punchlines.
For example:

Author: "Here is the manuscript I offered you last year."
Editor: "What's the idea of bringing this thing back when I rejected it last year?"
Author: "Well, you see, you've had a year's experience since then."

I'm not "rolling on floor laughing", as digital natives usually say. There are some more "jokes" about authors and editors in my strange book. Writer-jokes are no common joke-category in the German language area. What a bummer! I've just looked up an expression for "Wie schade" at leo.org and "What a bummer" is the first result. I may be wrong, but I don't believe that many native speakers often say "What a bummer" when their tax assessment (Steuerbescheid) is unpleasant. It may be an example for a dictionary stiff. Dictionary stiffs are words and phrases that are awarded from a senile jury as some kind of "Jugendwort des Jahres". Some other dictionary stiffs have been invented by journalists. "Dictionary stiff" is the best example, I've just invented this expression. Journalists may copy it for lurid headlines and two years later some dictionary editors accept it to be in use. But that won't happen to "dictionary stiff" because the Bildzeitung's target group isn't interested in stories about dictionaries.

I remember an online voting some years ago. People could vote for the world's best joke on the Internet. Back then I worked in Germany in a restaurant where we killed time by reading the Bildzeitung from time to time. The Bild translated the winner of the joke voting and complained about it: "Ein Mann kommt mit einem Stück Asphalt unterm Arm in ein Lokal und sagt zum Kellner: Ein Bier für mich und eines für die Straße." They didn't know the expression "one for the road" for buying a round.

I wasn't wondering about Bild's missing translation knowledge and rather excited about the punch lineless German joke. The reason why I don't like comedians (generally and especially those who speak bad English on purpose) is that most of them and their audience are fond of punch lines and have no idea of things like grotesqueness and real surprise effects. One of the best surprise effects are missing punch lines.

I realize that my English skills don't suffice to express what I want to, so I'll typewrite another Indian literature joke:

Jones: "That Editor returned my verses."
Smith: "What for?"
Jones: "For no rhyme and reason, I'm sure."

With this further sample for failed Indian gags I'd like to thank you for your attention. I have to stop now because writing in English takes me three times longer than in German. I'll never do it again, I swear! To bring this disaster of text to an end, I tell you what "carnal marc" means in German: Geiler Trester. You get a "Trester" when you compress fruits.
A self-made Indian joke as an encore:

Editor: "I don't like your book."
Author: "But why? I introduced all my knowledge of carnal marc into it!"
Editor: "That may be the reason."